Message from the President

Hey everybody. Here’s another reminder that our strike authorization vote is open until Wednesday, August 27th at 2345. We encourage everyone to vote YES. Our goal isn’t to strike, and voting yes doesn’t make a strike automatic. But if everyone votes—and everyone votes yes—it’ll give me and the rest of the bargaining team the leverage we need to get nurse to patient ratios, better pay, and a safer workplace for all of us.

We’ve seen clearly, even in the last few days, that management will just keep letting things get worse if they are allowed to. But we have a chance to take a stand. This is our chance to make our hospital a better, safer place to work for years to come (hopefully with no more loaded guns falling off stretchers). If there is one thing that scares management, it is that we, the people who make the hospital run, will get fed up and stop running things. That’s the power that we can bring to the table when we return to bargaining on September 2nd.

All members should have already received a text and/or email with a unique link to vote. If you didn’t get it, please reach out to one of the union staff or to the LEB at [email protected] and we will try to get you the electronic ballot. Let’s all stand together. Let’s all vote YES!

Strike FAQ

For anyone who has questions about how strikes work or what striking would mean for you, please start by reading our strike FAQ. Feel free to come to any meeting where we would be happy to discuss things. And as always, feel free to reach out to us at [email protected]. Our goal isn’t to strike, but we want to be ready to strike if necessary, and we want all of our members to be ready.

Negotiations Pop Quiz

Are you wondering what the union stands for in these contract negotiations? How about what HMH stands for? Wondering what demonic nonsense Bob Garrett has been getting up to? Check out our Negotiations Quiz to learn a little more about what’s been happening.

Using Your ESL

Using ESL time can be confusing and frustrating. Here are some tips: ESL hours may be used starting on the first day of absence in some situations, shown below. You will need documentation such as a doctor’s note or discharge summary, in addition to the submission of the form located in the HMH ESL policy. Extended absences of more than 3 days may require you to contact Sedgwick (mySedgwick.com or 1-866-901-0257).

• Inpatient hospital stay, urgent care visit, or emergency room visit
• Same-day surgery (including recovery time)
• Procedures requiring conscious sedation (e.g., colonoscopy)
• Workers’ compensation-related absences
• Temporary disability leave
• Special treatment for chronic illness (e.g., dialysis, chemotherapy)

In addition, please remember if your PTO balance is zero and you call out sick, you may use Extended Sick Leave (ESL) hours. No documentation should be required for absences of 3 shifts or less. Don't forget to notify your manager. Remember that protected sick time can be used if you...

• Care for your own physical or mental illness
• Care for a loved one’s physical or mental illness
• Receive wellness care
• Cope with domestic or sexual violence, or care for a loved one who is a victim/survivor
• Attend a child’s school-related meeting, conference, or event, when requested by the school

HMH "News"

Loaded Guns Falling Off Stretchers a Sign that Hospital Executives are Keeping Their Facility Safe, Experts Say

NEPTUNE, NJ—In a bold move hailed by industry analysts as a paradigm shift in patient-centered care, executives at Jersey Shore University Medical Center are being lauded after a loaded handgun slid off a stretcher and hit a housekeeper on the foot Thursday night, an incident experts are calling a clear indicator of a facility at the pinnacle of safety and security.

"What you're seeing here is the next step in proactive wellness," said hospital safety consultant Dr. Reginald Parris, who specializes in security excuse-making. "When patients feel comfortable enough to bring their own personal defense apparatuses, and when those items are so common that they're literally falling into the hallways, it shows that the hospital has cultivated an environment of ultimate trust and preparedness."

The handgun, which tumbled from under a mattress, was quickly retrieved by a nurse supervisor, who reportedly placed it in a biohazard bin after cleaning it with a sanitizing wipe, destroying all fingerprint and DNA evidence.

HMH leadership has been at the forefront of what they call "passive security," a strategy that involves rejecting costly and intimidating measures like metal detectors or the presence of a friendly Neptune police officer. JSUMC Chief Hospital Executive Vito Buccellato explained the philosophy at a press conference, standing in front of a new "We Trust You!" banner.

"Frankly, metal detectors are a downer. They send the wrong message," Buccellato stated. "We don't want our patients or their loved ones to think we're expecting trouble. We prefer to be surprised by trouble! It keeps our staff on their toes and makes every day an exciting new adventure in risk management."

"For years, we've told patients to be advocates for their own health. Why should that stop at their physical safety?" Buccellato added. "If a patient in the throes of a heart attack also has to keep one hand on their Glock, that's what we call 'active patient engagement.' They're a stakeholder in their own survival, which is a beautiful thing."

Hospital executives confirmed they have no plans to change their policy of allowing firearms to enter the facility. In fact, they are considering a pilot program to add small, convenient firearm holsters to all new wheelchairs and IV poles.

"We see this as a sign that our policies are working perfectly," HMH CEO Bob Garrett said, noting that, if the gun’s owner is found, he will be politely asked to bring two handguns next time, just in case he misplaces one again. "When you see a loaded weapon skittering past the nurses' station, you can rest assured that this is a hospital that takes your safety so seriously, we've decided to leave it entirely in your hands. I’ve always promised to be a healthcare innovator, and this is me keeping that promise."

* This piece is satire and should not be taken as factual reporting. The gun was real, the rest is not.